Then I could just as easily not decide to. But if you still tell someone else about this conversation, and I end up becoming someone else's target because of it...
[ for the record, she still hasn't let go. ]
You know I told you this because I trust you, right? Because Misa couldn't confess anything else, to anyone else here.
[But you really had no reason to trust me, is what she's thinking. She feels guilty somehow, but she also - why the fuck would she trust her with this?
In suggesting her life is in Harrow's hands, she's assuming that the person she's speaking to is soft, can't bear to see a girl in danger. A girl who she likes, who is cute, whose company she enjoys, but who isn't -
She just doesn't know what to do. She's been wanting to find the people responsible, and this is an excellent opportunity to see how it works, find out the start to finish. What power did Gluttony give her?
But also - who will be dead on Friday because of this?
All right. She will make her expression very calm.]
. . . I understand. And I'm grateful for your trust in me. Your wish must be something very important to you to consider this.
[ despite all the conflicting thoughts going through harrow's mind, misa...
seems oddly at peace. her face may mirror harrow's, but her expression isn't hiding anything. ]
Well, I'd rather try to win than just sit around and get killed by someone else first. And, if I survive but still end up losing because I didn't do my best... then I don't want to keep living, anyway. So it all works out for Misa in the end, you know?
[The thing is, Harrow can understand this more than the rest of it - what it feels like to be so lost that you're not sure you want to keep living. She remembers clearly, being ten years old - if it's worth it, let's find out, and if it's not, I'll die. All of the consequences, and oh there were consequences, didn't change that she couldn't have gone on making any other decision.
It's sad. She feels for Misa. And yet she made another decision recently, a forked path, and the decision she made doesn't allow her to get too sentimental about this. There are other things at stake than the feelings of one delusional girl.]
This power Gluttony gave you - will it really protect you? There are some dangerous people here.
Let's say... if I use it, it'll be really, really hard to trace it back to me.
[ she's already said too much. she doesn't doubt that harrow will out her if (and when, let's be real) it becomes necessary. but... she can't say she regrets it all that much, either. after all, she's already living on borrowed time. even if she did survive this competition somehow, there's no way she was going to be alive for much longer, given how willing she's been to sign away her lifespan.
[This is. The part where she should figure out something clever to say, to change her mind. But there's just that scared little girl voice echoing in her head again, that just wants to beg. Not Vira. Not Molly. Not Takeru. Not Sheila. Not Gu Yun. Not -
There are too many. There are too many, and some of them are going to die no matter what she does, and it all feels so hopeless.
But she has a lot of experience forcing these fears back down where they belong.]
If you're expecting discretion, I'll need more than that.
How so? Isn't it enough that you know I'm planning on doing it at all? If I tell you who I'm planning on killing, then you'll definitely vote for me if they end up dead.
[Okay, first of all, what does 'free of evil' mean to Light. But second of all, more importantly.]
I don't really know anything about Light, or why earning his love is so important to you, but. . . a person who loves you would never want you to throw your own life away. A person who loves you would do anything to keep you safe.
[Why is she talking about love like she has any experience in it? The only love she has ever had was the Tomb.]
If he is worth this, then he wouldn't want you to suffer.
You don't know him, Hachi... you don't get it. He delivered justice for me. He gave me a reason to live after I thought I was better off dead. I've devoted myself to him, every single part of me.
He's everything to me, and this might be my only shot to get him to love me. I have to try.
[Laughs the way I handled this might have changed if she knew what Misa's wish would actually do so better not to.
This actually does get to her. She remembers all too well, being ten years old and resolved to die until some absurd, irrational love saved her. And she will never be loved in return by the Tomb, no matter what hallucinations she may see in her darkest hours. So in a sense, she understands the Despair.
She'll just. Squeeze Misa's hands again.]
Misa. . .
[She wants so much to know the right thing to say, to make her realize she deserves better than this. But she's never known anything else herself, and she has no idea what those words might be.]
I do know what that feels like. But I also feel that. . . you wouldn't have told me any of this if you felt certain this was the right thing to do.
That's not– I only told you because I didn't want to see what the consequence was for not sharing. [ ... at least she's upfront about it? but, with that out of the way, she turns her gaze down to their hands. she's shaking a little now, as her eyes start to well up with tears. ] Hachi—Harrow—if you get it... then why can't you see why I can't turn back now?
[Misa. Girl. You could have just told someone you think they're hot. I.
Anyway. She feels bad about this, but she can't?]
It isn't such an easy thing, to live carrying the weight of the cost of other people's lives. I suppose you must decide what you can live with for yourself, just as I must.
[She'll let go of her hands.]
I can't carry any more ghosts with me. I'm sorry. I can only hope you don't come to feel the same way.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Why do you think things will change now?
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[This is. Definitely a bluff.]
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Because of what I just told you, does this mean you'll vote for me next week, even if you can't prove it was me for sure?
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Vote for you next week? I can tell anyone I want to about this conversation now. You understand that I'll be believed, don't you?
. . . I haven't decided yet what I intend to do. I don't want to see anyone else killed.
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[ for the record, she still hasn't let go. ]
You know I told you this because I trust you, right? Because Misa couldn't confess anything else, to anyone else here.
no subject
In suggesting her life is in Harrow's hands, she's assuming that the person she's speaking to is soft, can't bear to see a girl in danger. A girl who she likes, who is cute, whose company she enjoys, but who isn't -
She just doesn't know what to do. She's been wanting to find the people responsible, and this is an excellent opportunity to see how it works, find out the start to finish. What power did Gluttony give her?
But also - who will be dead on Friday because of this?
All right. She will make her expression very calm.]
. . . I understand. And I'm grateful for your trust in me. Your wish must be something very important to you to consider this.
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seems oddly at peace. her face may mirror harrow's, but her expression isn't hiding anything. ]
Well, I'd rather try to win than just sit around and get killed by someone else first. And, if I survive but still end up losing because I didn't do my best... then I don't want to keep living, anyway. So it all works out for Misa in the end, you know?
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It's sad. She feels for Misa. And yet she made another decision recently, a forked path, and the decision she made doesn't allow her to get too sentimental about this. There are other things at stake than the feelings of one delusional girl.]
This power Gluttony gave you - will it really protect you? There are some dangerous people here.
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[ she's already said too much. she doesn't doubt that harrow will out her if (and when, let's be real) it becomes necessary. but... she can't say she regrets it all that much, either. after all, she's already living on borrowed time. even if she did survive this competition somehow, there's no way she was going to be alive for much longer, given how willing she's been to sign away her lifespan.
at least she tried. ]
Don't worry. It won't be you, Hachi.
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There are too many. There are too many, and some of them are going to die no matter what she does, and it all feels so hopeless.
But she has a lot of experience forcing these fears back down where they belong.]
If you're expecting discretion, I'll need more than that.
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[That probably isn't even a lie. She didn't vote for fucking Law.]
But if you don't want me to try to interfere, then I need more.
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More what? I can't tell you the whole thing, Hachi. Because then you might be considered an accomplice, too. Or...
[ "or i might have to kill you as well" goes unsaid. ]
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. . . Will you tell me what your wish is?
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My wish... is for Light's wish to come true. For the world to be free of evil.
Because if that happens, and he knows I made it happen for him... then he'll love me for sure.
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I don't really know anything about Light, or why earning his love is so important to you, but. . . a person who loves you would never want you to throw your own life away. A person who loves you would do anything to keep you safe.
[Why is she talking about love like she has any experience in it? The only love she has ever had was the Tomb.]
If he is worth this, then he wouldn't want you to suffer.
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You don't know him, Hachi... you don't get it. He delivered justice for me. He gave me a reason to live after I thought I was better off dead. I've devoted myself to him, every single part of me.
He's everything to me, and this might be my only shot to get him to love me. I have to try.
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This actually does get to her. She remembers all too well, being ten years old and resolved to die until some absurd, irrational love saved her. And she will never be loved in return by the Tomb, no matter what hallucinations she may see in her darkest hours. So in a sense, she understands the Despair.
She'll just. Squeeze Misa's hands again.]
Misa. . .
[She wants so much to know the right thing to say, to make her realize she deserves better than this. But she's never known anything else herself, and she has no idea what those words might be.]
I do know what that feels like. But I also feel that. . . you wouldn't have told me any of this if you felt certain this was the right thing to do.
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That's not– I only told you because I didn't want to see what the consequence was for not sharing. [ ... at least she's upfront about it? but, with that out of the way, she turns her gaze down to their hands. she's shaking a little now, as her eyes start to well up with tears. ] Hachi—Harrow—if you get it... then why can't you see why I can't turn back now?
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Anyway. She feels bad about this, but she can't?]
It isn't such an easy thing, to live carrying the weight of the cost of other people's lives. I suppose you must decide what you can live with for yourself, just as I must.
[She'll let go of her hands.]
I can't carry any more ghosts with me. I'm sorry. I can only hope you don't come to feel the same way.